What does the disease of Addiction mean to me? Early in my recovery, I was irritated by this notion. I saw weak addicts avoiding personal responibilty, people weasling out from under the consequences of their actions by saying "oh well..."that'll be the disease at work". Looking at my judgementalarrogance came much later. I thought "disease" meant simply and only such things as "Leprosy" or "Cholera". I first had to find definitions such as ,"disease" is often used to refer to any condition that causes extreme pain, dysfunction, distress, social problems, and/or death to the person afflicted, or similar problems for those in contact with the person. In this broader sense, it sometimes includes injuries, disorders, infections, isolated symptoms and deviant behaviors" (Wikipedia)

Hmmm I realised.... Pain? I suffered in my addiction. This was not news to me. Those I loved and who loved me sufered too. Neither was this news to me. Infections? Hmmm I feared Hepatitis and contracted Sexually transmitted diseases as a direct result of my behaviour when wasted. As is typical when I was using, I thought this was simply "what happened", was unavoidable and that a passive acceptance was the only option. I did feel dreadfully guilty for taking that sexual infection home and exposing my wife to such danger. I knew that was wrong, but could see no alternative. Fidelity is not an option when wasted.
Deviant behaviour?? If itweren't so painful, so embarrassing, so humiliating...so dangerous, then it'd be funny: Carrying a sawn-off pump action shotgun with me everywhere; 'in case I happened upon a mass murderer. Getting into bed with any and most every woman whose house I happended to be staying at, irregardless of whether or not she had given me any "Welcoming' signals. I justified this in my mind by always stopping if they ever displayed signs my inept advances were unwelcome